So, when Cody asked me almost 5 years ago if I would be able to handle a military lifestyle and if I wanted to stay with him knowing he is career military....I thought I had thought it completely through of all of the sacrifices were going to go through....deployments, separation, boyfriend/husband in danger at times, possible moves, my career secondary to his....and a few other things. I mean I thought about family....but I really didn't think of all of the small things. And I definitely didn't think that one of those sacrifices would be that Cody would miss the birth of our first baby. If Cody were to ask me again today if we wanted to continue our relationship knowing all the sacrifices we would have to make. I wouldn't even hesitate in answering him.....I love you, I can handle it and every hardship of dealing with the military lifestyle is worth it. I wouldn't change one thing about marrying my best friend. He is worth everything.
I love my husband more than words. And the amazing thing is that I don't have one doubt in my head that he is my soul mate. The one man that was created for me. I love that I have a sense of comfort and love in my heart knowing I made the right decision in marrying Cody.
The sacrifices were are making right now have been the biggest we have ever had to deal with. I NEVER thought that we would be in this situation. I can't believe that during my first pregnancy, our first child, that my husband would be fighting for our Country over in Iraq. It's hard. I never thought it would be this hard. During the first couple months of the deployment I thought that I could completely handle not having my rock/best friend with me. I thought...this is do-able. I can do this, I'm strong this won't be too hard. And now....the closer it gets the harder it gets. I still feel that Cody & I are strong. We are in love and strong and communicate our feelings. But the closer it gets to Norah's due date, the harder it is for me physically and emotionally.
Physically-I get tired so easily. Just the smallest things make me feel exhausted. And I'm not used to not being able to do certain things, pick up heavy things, bending over to pick things up... The other day I picked up my scrapbooking tub to put it in my car and I could barely lift it. But I forced myself to use all of my strength to get it in the car, I even used my belly to help push it in....it was the most absolute wrong choice. I started to immediately cry. It hurt. And then I thought I hurt my baby. It was a reality check...that yes, I am pregnant and no I don't have anyone with me to help. My mom & dad help but to be serious and look at reality they come over a couple times a week. There are times where I can't wait until a Tuesday or Sunday for something to get done. It's frustrating.
Emotionally-I feel like I have to be in control and appropriate at all times. I have these surges of emotions and hormones running through my body, as it does in most pregnant women. But most pregnant women have the ability to let out these crazy crying or yelling spurts to their husbands. They have their men there to listen to them, hold their hand, rub their belly and tell them that they will be right next to them during the whole delivery. Me. No. I can't take out my emotions on my family (it's not fair to them-plus my mom gets defensive very easily), I can't take it out on my co workers, friends....it's not fair.... I have to be completely put together all the time. The only time I get to let out emotion is when I'm home alone and I'm just sitting here with my dog. I don't want to let out all my pissyness to my husband...he is in Iraq...he doesn't deserve it. So most days I have to sit here with my emotions...trying to work it out alone. I feel like my co workers are getting tired of me talking about my pregnancy. But I can't help it. They are who I see everyday. I don't get to talk to Cody at home about how excited or scared I am. I don't have the excitement at home. So I have to share it with someone. I also don't get babied or waited on at all. I don't have someone rubbing my feet, getting me my food cravings...all of the fun things of being pregnant. I have to work full time and I'm expected to hold up like normal. But I'm tired. I just can't do it.
Also, the closer it gets the more I want Cody home to hold my hand, kiss me, tell me I'm beautiful, kiss my belly, get the car ready for the drive to the hospital, take lamaze classes with me, freak out when I tell him my water just broke....the normal things. It's hard having to do it alone or having to change my plans to include my mom & dad and not my husband. I am so thankful for my parents, but it's just not the same as your husband. And when I think about holding my baby for the first time it feels so amazing and wonderful and emotional and happy and then I think about looking over to the computer screen to show my husband his daughter over a webcam. It breaks my heart. He should be able to hold his baby. To touch her, to kiss her. To kiss me. To have our first family picture only moments after our little girl is born. But he will not have the ability to touch his child for possibly 5 months. That is just torture. Worse than anything else in the world.
Anyways, I never really realized how much military families sacrifice until I became one. The admiration I have for other women that have gone through this or even given bigger sacrifices such as the life of their loved ones....it just humbles me. My heart goes out to other military families. And I just pray that the Lord has a plan for us. And I just hope that plan means that somehow the world rotates the other way and for some reason Cody gets to come home early....that would be the best feeling in the world. But as of right now...it could possibly be quite a while before Cody gets to hold his baby girl....
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