Scared

I am so scared.  These feelings that I’m having just won’t go away.  No matter how many people I talk to and how much hope and strength people try to give me.  I’m so scared.  I’m pregnant and Cody is deployed.  I don’t know what I’m doing.  I never thought I’d be alone during such a special time in my life.  We want our little girl so bad and we’re so happy to be starting a life together.  But the horrible part is that we aren’t starting it together.  We starting our family apart.  Away from each other.  This is so hard.  I cry every day.  I can’t handle this.  I don’t want to mess up our little girl.  I don’t want to set her up for failure because I can’t handle the separation.  I just want her to be healthy and happy and she’s already underweight.  Is it my fault?  I just want Cody home so badly.  I can’t do this alone.  I can’t be a first time mom with out my best friend and partner!  This is one of the biggest transitions in life and I’m doing it alone. I should be so happy now.  I should have Cody here with me.  This is just so lonely.  He should be here kissing my belly and telling me I look beautiful.  To lift heavy things to rub my feet.  To be there when we hear our little girls first cry.  I’m so scared about so many things.  I scared about being alone when I go into labor.  That’s sad.  I don’t want to be alone when my water breaks.  That’s so sad.  I want my partner with me.  To help calm me down, to look into my eyes and tell me everything will be okay.  I want him to hold my hand as we rush to the hospital.  I’m scared of the pain of child birth.  I hate pain, I’m really bad with pain and now I have to experience the worse pain of my life…without Cody.  I’m going to have to learn how to take care of a newborn…alone.  I’m scared that Cody and I didn’t have time to transition together.  To spend these last 9 months having fun and just being Cody & Carla.  We didn’t get that time together.  He was deployed for 7 months, home for 6 months then deployed again for another 7-10 months.  It’s not fair.  All these other women have their husbands by their side to share in all the joy and happiness of pregnancy and child birth.  And I have to be “strong”  I have to keep it all together even though I’m doing this alone and I’m so lonely.  My home feels like a house again.  No love, no happiness….just walls, a roof and things are in it.  Without cody it feels so cold in here all the time.  I miss him so badly.  I want to hear him laugh, I want to dance to some music.  I want to enjoy our time together before our little girl is born.  I’m so scared.  No one will listen to me.  They all try to just pick you up and be thankful for what I have.  But it doesn’t take away from my feelings of be scared and lonely.  I don’t want to be sad anymore, I don’t want to be scared and mad.  I feel like I’m mad at the world all the time now.  I want to feel carefree again and happy.  I want to just enjoy life and spend time with Cody.  But I have this edge about me….I’m always sad or mad.  It’s not me.  I already feel like a horrible mom, wife, friend, dog owner.  Vega never gets any attention.  It’s not fair to her.  She should be able to run and play and get to the park.  Cody should be getting cards and care packages from me on a regular basis, my parents shouldn’t have to deal with me being edgy and mean.  I feel like I’m letting everyone down and that all conversations have to be about me and being pregnant.  But I keep talking about it because I feel like nobody is listening.  I feel like I just keep talking to the wall when I talk about what’s going on.  I don’t feel like anyone gets me.  I don’t think anyone really understands what this feels like.  I don’t know what to do.  And I have a horrible schedule before a baby is born….work, school, work, school, work, work, work, homework, studying, no fun, no time to prepare for the baby, no time to clean, no time to take baby classes, no time to send cody care  packages, no time to take on myself, no time to de-stress, no time to go to the beach and just relax….just work & school…taking care of the dog, coming home to a lonely house.  I’m happy with my life, the big picture…I love my family, I love my husband, I love all the potential it has.  But I need my husband here with me right now.  I need him.  More than any other time in the world.  I need him home.